by Pamelah Landers
Expert Master Hand Analyst and Intuitive Leadership Mentor
Recently I was playing a computer game in between projects - Bejeweled. The first time I encountered this game was watching a woman across the aisle play it on her iPad while I was flying to Australia in 2014. When I returned to LA, where I was living at the time, I downloaded it and began playing myself.
The first time I clicked on the "hint" button, I was surprised to see that it deducted 500 points from my total. That seemed a bit extreme a penalty, in my viewpoint, to ask for help.
Then I actually became incensed at the fact that it "cost me" to ask for help. Which began a whole mental conversation about how people are trained to not ask for help.
Recently when I played it again, and it had been a few weeks, I followed that same train of thoughts and feelings...except this time I expanded the awareness. I translated it to many different ways when we play games what we are taught about asking for help or surviving on our own, whether it's on a computer, board games, card games, in person games like Charades. In most games there is no help function. If there is, sometimes we are penalized, and sometimes not.
The reason I'm delving into this is that asking for help has been the thing I've learned to move through difficult situations in my life. Yes, I had to learn it in many ways. I reach out to friends or a mentor if I happen to be a relationship like that at the time.
Trying to make shifts on my own just doesn't work for me. Receiving support does. If I knew how to make a shift on my own in my thinking or perceptions, I would do it. But I get stuck, just like you do, and asking for help is how the energy shifts and perceptions.
That leads me to why games would teach us that there is a penalty to ask for help.
Here is one theory. Most games, at least the ones I've learned in the past, were designed by men. For many men, asking for help means they are weak. I completely get how that has been taught again and again in society.
I also imagine, and I have no data on this so it's totally a projection, that many game designers are comfortable spending time alone because programming is often done alone. I used to work at HP with a bunch of software designers and it was a very quiet part of the building, unlike marketing where people talked with each other regularly (my department.)
So, I turned to hands for a clue. It's possible a lot of software programmers have Hermit Heart Lines (see hand print example below). One major characteristic of Hermits is that they are self-contained. They prefer doing things themselves. Their biggest issue is trusting others to help them - "the right way." Since Hermits are driven by safety and security, they prefer and tend to do whatever needs to be done by themselves. That way it's guaranteed it will be done the right way.
They also need, really need, time alone every day - cave time, sanctuary time - to renew. Hermits tend to be very internal about their feelings, not sharing much.
So, asking for help isn't in their design for the most part (this applies to many situations in life about being self-contained and not asking for help.)
Hermit heart lines look like this. A short straight line.
So, if Hermits are designing software games, it may not occur to them that asking for help is a benefit or they don't see the point. Or if they are well trained to believe that asking for help is weak, then why would they create a game where asking for help is rewarded?
That would be my desire - training people that asking for help is rewarded. Do you know of any?
My point: what games are you playing and at a subconscious or conscious level, what is being "trained into you" about asking for help?
So if Hermits are designing software games, it may not occur to them that asking for help is a benefit or they don't see the point. Or if they are well trained to believe that asking for help is weak, then why would they create a game where asking for help is rewarded?
That would be my desire - training people that asking for help is rewarded. Do you know of any?
My point: what games are you playing and at a subconscious or conscious level, what is being "trained into you" about asking for help?
In many games there is no way to request support for the next move. You either get it or you don't. I understand that is the purpose of the game.
On a more extreme end, when I played Monopoly as a teen, I learned that I would be penalized financially for landing on another person's property. And that could actually take me out of the game if I hadn't earned enough money yet. What did that teach me? Avoid other people's private space - it could cost me money. Other people were better at success than I was often. I rarely won Monopoly games. Although we played often as kids, it created a lot of stress for me. Not my favorite.
I was hugely successful with card games and word games. Word games are my favorites now like Boggle.
~ Taking this conversation to a personal level for you, where are you with asking for help?
~ How are you supported or not supported in doing that?
~ Do you feel like there is a problem if you "have to ask" as if you are weak?
As human beings I don't believe we are designed to make changes by ourselves. That's why other people are in our lives.
Is asking for support and being supported an easy thing in your life? Would you like it to be? You can begin by looking at what your current perception is about it and how that is reinforced.
I'm not suggesting to avoid playing games. I am suggesting to take a look at consciously what is being repeatedly trained into you by doing this.
Asking for help is my favorite way to move through emotional or mental challenges, when I feel stuck. I even ask for help sometimes physically when I need it. Here is what I've learned: the more I ask the easier my life is...ultimately I like ease.
Love,
Pamelah