by Pamelah Landers
Artist, Hand Analyst and Intuitive
How much do you enjoy receiving unsolicited input, advice, feedback?
Today I'm sharing a conversation about a part of myself that is being mirrored back to me. Regularly. Unfortunately. And that's why this is up today.
Five times over the last couple of months I have received unsolicited input from different people. The reason I say "unsolicited" is because I wasn’t asking for the input. It surprised me because I was unprepared to be in a conversation about the topic or feedback the other person was providing. All from people I know at a variety of levels. Some of it wasn't even a conversation. It was a statement.
The biggest pattern I recognized is that delivery method didn’t work for me. Meaning, as I said, I was surprised by the feedback on a particular topic...I was not asking.
During that same time, I have also received input that was really helpful and supportive and I was happy to receive it. I was open. I took it in.
The difference for me is the style of delivery.
The universal law is "ask and it is given." If another is not asking, don't give because it won't be received. There is not consent.
How many times have you heard somebody say, "I've told my partner/ child/co-worker/client/friend the same thing so many times but I didn't feel heard! Nothing has changed."
I'm asking - was there consent?
For example, when I received feedback that was helpful, I was asked and provided consent. I agreed to receiving it. That means I opened myself to listening.
Here are some ways that work for me - feel free to adopt them:
"Is this a good time?"
"I am receiving a download. Are you open to hearing it?"
"I have something to share on this topic. Is that OK?"
"I am feeling hurt about one of our interactions. Is this a good time to talk about it?"
When there was no consent, no asking, the first feeling was always anger or hostility. Looking below the surface, because anger usually is a cover for other feelings, I recognized I also felt:
~ like I was punched in the gut
~ "corrected" because I was wrong
...depending on the style of the feedback being presented to me. Sometimes it was in writing and sometimes verbal.
I'm so aware of how I've done this with others...gulp!
Why am I sharing this?
Because asking me if I'm open, if this is a good time and then me providing consent makes a huge difference.
Is this something that works for you, too?
When I say "yes" to receiving input, my body opens up. I'm willing to hear the content even it may be hard to hear. And I'm even willing, if it feels aligned, to taking action on the feedback, maybe approaching something from a revised viewpoint. There is a conversation, not a one-way delivery process. My voice matters, too, and we talk about it.
And I am applying this to how I communicate with others when I feel a desire to share feedback, input, advice. It's been a rocky road for me. For example, I'm highly intuitive and often feel my intuitive input is very accurate (and it is!) But that does not mean it's the right timing or style of communicating it with somebody else. And this is my awareness. I am "going conscious" about asking for consent from somebody else before sharing.
All of this about intimacy: either creating more connection or more barriers to intimacy. Right?
I'm guessing you can relate to some of this.
The lack of consent, at least for me, creates a huge intimacy barrier. With consent, when I've said, "yes" or I ask another and they say, "yes" there is a deeper connection built.
I hope these insights support you to step into another type of intimacy with people who matter.
If you are seeking more insights about intimacy, I've written an e-book called Intimacy Barriers and Solutions. It's obtainable here.